Through the Eyes of a Wombat

Dramatis Personae

Amanda, cousin to Sarah, the bride.

Chris, former Wendys worker, the groom.

Chuck, a fire-and-brimstone, praise-the-lord faith healing pastor.

Howard and Eva, the bride's parents, somewhat reluctant.

Grandma, somewhat vocal.

The Groom's Mother, just married to a big black man called Bubba.

The Rels:

Kay, an aunt, just arrived from thirteen hours on the road.

Justin and Cathy, Sarah's parents.

Kim, an aunt, being a bridesmaid.

Kelly, lost in Montreal.

Prologue

Amanda and Chris met a few months ago, while Chris was working at Wendys (a hamburger fast food place). His aspirations included becoming manager of the Wendys, and operating his opposable thumbs. He has since ceased working at Wendys: indeed he has ceased working anywhere at all. Nevertheless, the two decided to marry, so here we are.

Sarah and I arrived on Friday, as she needed to collect her dress from the dress shop. We had been down about a month ago for a fitting: turns out that the only alterations needed were the waist taken in a little, and the hem ironed down. This cost, in total, $70 (AU$ 95), just for the alterations... in addition to the price of the dress.Onward to Grandma's House, where we meet the rest of the extended family and listen to the trials and tribulations of Kelly's struggle to get from Montreal, where she had been making macaroni and cheese, to Lousiville. Missing her flight, she was able to find another seat as far as Toronto, which, while at least in the right direction, is still in Canada. Eventually making it as far as Chicago she then had to wait many hours until a seat was available to get her to Lousiville. After making it on board one plane then being booted off again, she was finally able to get a seat a couple of rows in front of the prisoner escorted between two armed policemen.Hrm.I tagged along to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner on Friday evening, just to see what was going on. Rehearsal itself was reasonably smooth, with the only person tripping over being the seven-year-old flower girl, no harm done. Dinner afterward .. well, there were Subway sandwiches, or rather, bread rolls and filling (one had to put it together oneself) bought from Subway on the way across, plenty of soft drink, and people sat around plastic tables in the church foyer.

Act One

Scene: The "On Fire Christian Center"

Yes, that's really what the church was called. The users behaved themselves, and only left two little old ladies sitting up the front with nowhere to go. For reasons unknown to most, there was a rather large penguin sitting on the stage, up the back under a flower arrangement. Chuck, the pastor, did devote a rather large section of the address to the Ten Commandments, of all things, and explained how they are supposed to work. I guess none of us will be coveting our neighbours asses anytime soon.

The pengiun was well behaved, the pastor was pointed in his "Work hard and be faithful" speech, directed at Chris, and the groom's collection of mothers and stepmothers kept their part of the congregation reasonably silent.

Once the ceremony was done, we bolt from the church and race to the reception... place.

Act Two

Scene: Dixie Bowl Tenpin Bowling Alley, the reception hall.

Who on earth has a wedding reception at a tenpin bowling alley?

Having spent an hour or so beforehand stacking up bread rolls and laying out trays of cold meat, cheese, vegetables, cantaloupe, mustard and pickles, our first task was to set out the chips and dip and turn the coffee on before the guests arrived. We didnt have much time, for since the wedding ceremony finished at about 4.30, everyone was jumping into their utes and racing over to be there around 5. The reception didnt officially start until 5.30, but that didnt stop people hoeing into the chips and coke as soon as they arrived. The room was rather clearly split into 'his' family and 'her' family... pretty easy to tell who was with whom.
One small child, a girl of about 10 or 12 was looking with concern at one of the dressings.
"Is that mayonnaise?" she enquires.
"No, it's Miracle Whip." Miracle Whip being an artificial substitute for mayo. Like artificial cheese, but mayonnaise flavoured. Hearing this, she visibly relaxes, exclaims
"Praise the Lord!", and piles an extra large spoonful onto her plate.

She was from 'his' side.

The entire wedding was dry, even the champagne toast the couple give each other was carbonated apple juice. Even Jesus drank wine... but, each to their own. I was more than a little surprised that the cutting of the cake ended in a food fight, with some cake ending up in the groom's nose and the bride's ear.